My Open Journal

Lately, I have been focusing on my future. Never have I been so motivated. Distractions come to steer my mind to old habits, but I have learned to fight through them. I cannot afford to stumble. My life is beginning to enter a beautiful phase. Can I be honest? Sometimes I feel lonely. I feel like I have no one to call, or I feel like I am in this world alone. I have lost a few friends in this road called change. Some have walked away from me, and then there are those that I had to walk away from. OUCH, that really did hurt! It hurt more than I could ever explain. Yesterday, I almost felt sorry for myself. Note, I said almost. What did I do to pick myself up? I remembered the woman that I used to be. That sad and distressed woman that needed to show aggression in order to feel strong. Wow, I just realized how far I have come. Kudo’s for me. I pat myself on the back for a job well done. I am strong without being aggressive. I am stronger now than I have ever been. Negative thoughts are common. I think I have finally understood that I am not the only one that can have negative thoughts. Sure, I don’t wish to have them, but they can no longer control me. Yeah, that’s a battle I never thought I would win. Feeling unworthy was easy at one point in my life. Whenever that thought would cross my mind, I would invite it to sit there and simmer. I managed to develop bags under my eyes from sleepless nights because of self-hate. It’s amazing how you can cry for hours and hours and no one notices a single tear. Well, at least, I thought they didn’t. That made my life even worse, for that only caused me to believe that no one cared. Not even God. *sigh* I can’t even begin to tell you the amounts of alcohol I consumed to try to drown my emotions. I was a drunken fool wasting my life away because of one thought. Years and years of depression pulled me into a hole of confusion because of one thought. Suicide attempts and thoughts played in my head because of one thought. It only took one thought for my entire world to crash, but it didn’t burn. It took me a while to get back on my feet. I always speak of the people in my life that said I would never get it together, yet I never revealed how I never thought I would either. I was almost, well, I was content with having nothing to live for. My mind was gone. People didn’t convince me that I would never make it. I mean, some played a major role in that idea, but for the most part, I had convinced myself that my life had no purpose. I had no job, my mom was raising my son, I lacked ambition, and I felt liked God had given up on me. In my eyes, there was no need for me to put up a fight. For what? What was I going to gain? I walked around angry. After a while, I became this nasty and bitter person. Nothing and no one could make me happy. I never wanted to leave the house because when I did, I only wanted to fight. Fight who? Fight anyone that came near me. I was in a rage. As I sit here and think about it, I am so grateful I am past that phase in life. I am cruising in the lane of healing. I am gaining my life back, and it feels good.